when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Pooping to opera.
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