Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
