i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
