so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
