If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Someone stole a lamp last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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