My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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