dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My sheets look like a crime scene.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
