I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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