i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
