its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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