I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
