We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
