So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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