Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
