Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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