After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
