I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
