I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
