The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
