I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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