Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just cut my nipple shaving
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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