I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
