Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
