I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
