remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
