he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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