pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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