I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
