Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
