why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
