You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
