checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
