Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
