I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
