I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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