Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So much rum. So many feels.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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