Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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