now i know why i became what i already was.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
