my being single is dangerous.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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