im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
