He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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