I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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