Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
