I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
