My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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