We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
