We need to rekindle our bromance
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
