I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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