Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
