i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
