I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
